life is so difficult to read... you can not map it out... it is created each and every second and there is no predicting where it will pull you.

a friend of mine is dead today at 32...

everything is beyond our grasp.

pawns

truth
the double edged sword

solace in knowing
pain in knowing

when you prick at the scab long enough
the blood will run again

why question when you know the truth
how masochistic can one be

is it a cancer
is it incurable

this love is not love
it is an illusion

illusion has made fools of even the most perceptive
figments of a being that never was

growth
spun from truth

evolution of self
spawned from truth

constant change
we are never solid, set, inert

truth the teacher
let it guide you, mold you, change you

perception is illusion
illusion is reality
reality is the truth

let the truth change you
you can not change the truth

I am tired of the pain. I am tired of the misery. I am tired of longing. I am tired of being played with. I am tired of being strung along. I am tired of not having the spine to say what I feel with conviction. I am tired of not getting what I want. I am tired of giving too much. I am tired of not taking. I am tired of being content. I am tired of worrying about what I can’t control. I am tired of losing control. I am tired of being controlled. I am tired of being a tot in a candy store. I am tired of feeling. I am tired of caring. I am tired of loving. I am tired.

i am left to accept it. retrospect plays no role in my future. sitting here boxing up mementos of a love so great. tidbits of scattered "i love you"s. photos of true happiness. lives so entwined that at certain points the two bodies seem as one. how did i let it slip so far away. could i the rational minded, logical person i make myself out to be, let words on paper jaggedly rip apart all of this. it is but words on paper that i stare at now. only images i see. how easily i blinded myself to them. how bright was that shock that my pupils dilated so strongly and for so long that all i saw was shadows. there is only one judge and one juror and they lie within each of us. fairness is what we make of it. i will issue out my own judgment and i will issue out my sentence. i alone will stand trial and in the end no defense is necessary for the love that i had and the love that i lost. i alone had the power to change. i alone had the power to follow. i only hid away. i alone stand fast now. i only crumble. i alone right myself. i alone. box them up. store them. as with the memories within yourself. never forgotten never lost. pieces of me. pieces of what was.

only in my messed up world does something like a life altering change that spurs in me the motive to "clean up my shit" take to a most literal sense.

scrub scrub scrub... has a powerful cleansing effect on both the carpet and perhaps in someway me. hmmm.... kinda Miyagi like *wax on, wax off*

illusion has made mockery of even the most perceptive.

dust covered, nearly forgotten:

Beauty of Time (or blessed event...)

Shattered glass upon the ground
Rays of light catch the pieces
A semblance of precious gemstones
So beautifully the shattered shards reflect the sun
Dancing colors though miniature prisms
A metamorphosis of what was
An alteration of what was meant to be
The crystal glass once filled the mouths of kings
Handed down through the centuries

Use it
Cherish it
Expose it
Simple instructions
Easily grasped
Oh no

That once so precious heirloom
Intricate details
Soft swept flute
Now but pieces that lie upon the ground

I once held it within these hands
I once ran my fingers across its mouth
Caressed the nape of its neck
I set my lips to he time and time again

I see its descent
It plays back in my mind
The careless knock the wobbled chalice
I swear it attempted to right itself
The teetering flute
The dance
The struggle

I reach out
A feeble attempt
For in my desperation I aid its fall

I felt the cold chill of the glass
My knuckles cringed
An ungodly sound
a revelry of scattered tones
a beckoning to the crowd
a last cry to the world
or perhaps a joyful sigh

The pieces strewn about the ground

Step back
Get away
Observe the gleam

Forever lost NO

One by one I gather the jewels
A silent prayer from my lips
A tear drop races towards the ground

the beauty remains
the package slighted

Cast it out I CANNOT

My likeness returns my glare
Pieces of me within the stones
Pieces of me upon the ground

Meticulously I gather each piece
And in years to come we mend the flute

Not the same YES, IT IS

Another day passes
A new piece attaches
The days fade to years

Carefully
Gently
Utmost attention
Every detail a solemn oath

Forever different
Forever the same

A cherished momento
A newly formed gift
A beautiful bracelet
Bangled gems around my wrist

To be handed down

Use it
Cherish it
Expose it
Simple instructions
Easily grasped
So we so easily believe


---- A work forever in process
--- Glen

i have floated through the entire day. running on about 5 hours of sleep in the last 5 days (my own doing of course) has left me in a daze.

oddly enough i do not feel like closing my eyes and drifting away just yet.

looking back on my sun-up meeting, i think it rather amusing, me in my disheveled and weary state standing (okay, teetering) before the masses rambling on about pride, dedication, attention to detail, 110% type crap and their lack of all of it... tossing out letters of reprimand, all the while not being able to make out anyone clearly due to my hazy and heavy headed condition.

of course these are always the times that everyone and their mothers need to call you and meet with you. truly no rest for the weary :-) thinking of pulling a George and setting up a little cot under my desk. might even pull in a mini bar and just crash out for the rest of the day. wonder if anyone will notice... highly doubtful :-)

the sleeper has awakened.

the dream is over.

stressing something terrible this is the last thing in my life i need to stress about... just pile it all on. why not give me more to be concerned about? yeah thats it give it all to him... layer upon layer of crap.

what a crock

i wouldnt say i am fanatical i have my beliefs and that is all they are. i am open to listening to other peoples beliefs. i question things as i always have since i was a little runt. i question till i am satisfied with the response. almost like eating till your full.

my goal is not to convert but to understand to comprehend to know.

yes it is here.... the lj you have all been waiting for... the weekend movie review!

this weeks movie - Debut



if they would have squeezed another filipino stereotype into this movie i swear blockbuster would have given me a coupon for 50% off a jar of bagoong. granted i am not of filipino descent but having been raised in saipan i am fairly aware of their cultural differences. the movie seemed to have no meaning other than exploiting certain preconceived notions society has of the typical filipino-american family. the plot was dull and the acting unconvincing. i was once told if you have nothing good to say then say nothing at all...

nothing at all

hoping for a better movie review next week or at least one that doesnt make me want to try and figure out the temperature at which a dvd begins to melt.

put aside all those important projects and update me will you. yeah im talking to you. update me.

eventful night in.

spent the night indoors. made tacos...turned out well. good company, good food and good wine always yield good times. got to discuss briefly different takes on world religion. took in a bit of the university of hawaii triumph (course it was against rice) bit of word games cards on the side. loved it. glen the homebody.

see how long i can keep this thing going... :-)

pasta and a movie... great tuesday evening stress reliever... pasta could have been better, but what a great movie.

Happenstance : yes the french are good for something (low blow aimed at a good friend of mine) although i spent most of the time cooking and asking for plot "play-by-play" commentary from my gf, i have to say i loved this movie... the character development was excellent, the videography was good, the storyline was compelling and the overall plot was lighthearted and enjoyable. definitely one i would recommend. also didnt hurt that Audrey Tautou was in it.

more reviews to come ...

as expected, i have put about as much effort into this lil' project as i did that cute kewl chameleon i picked up when i was 13 (found it belly up after 2 days).

course i am back today with another installment so not all hope is lost. had to make public to my audience of readers (one person: my gf) a site in the works by my brother:

http://www.geocities.com/tagaboy666/Robert.html

been hectic as hell lately and most likely my own fault as i have to start organizing and prioritizing and focusing and delegating and supervising and empowering and this damn list goes on as long as my list of "to dos"...

i have to post a thank you to Duane. stranger in safeway, saw me and my better half buying wine and out of the blue stopped us in the parking lot and gave us a free bottle of syrah. turns out he is the manager of a distributing co. here in hawaii. kewl generous act of kindness... don’t find that too much anywhere now a days. hell if he did that in most places people would be to wary to even approach his car for fear he was going to attack them... or wouldn’t trust drinking the wine for fear it was tainted... we do live in a society full of fear and fright... gonna ponder whether the byproduct fear is a good thing, being that it is precautionary... or if it a restraining thing that limits interaction and human potential. hmmm... perhaps for my next installment i will delve deeper into this. for now: THANKS DUANE.

well id better get back to pretending i actually work around here.

think i might have created a monster... i have a huge insecurity complex that has begun to sprout in me over the last 10 months or so. i cant say i have never before had an issue with this just not at this level. it sickens me when i look back and see the way "i, myself" acted. i addressed concerns i had with a majorly important person in my life and it seems that i may have unleased a beast in her. i dont need the verbal affirmation i need to correct my issues. i dont need billboards plastered that express undying love, i need to control my mindset and screw my head on straight. i want everyone around me to be "themselves" no matter how much i may bitch and moan about how it affects me. i dont want to mold those closest to me... understandable there is a certain amount of give and take and there are going to be time we have to adapt but i think i need those closest to me to never let go of themselves. i dont want to be a negative influence ...hell i dont want to be an influence at all.